Terrorists are nast
y vicious people. And sometimes we need to laugh at them, belittle their self-importance, pour contempt on their pathetic justifications for evil and ridicule their activities. When they get it right, its pretty horrific, but quite often they get it wrong.
Here’s my top ten. Please add you own. I might keep this updated:
1. The Most stupid Master Bomber. Ramzi Yousef, the world trade center bomber now locked up for life in “super max.” The man is a buffoon, but for the partially successful attack on the WTC. He nearly blew his arm off in Pakistan, he abandoned an attack in Bangkok, and set his explosives lab on fire in Manila. Doh! In New York his intention was to kill 250,000 – he actually caused 6 deaths . Some details are here.. One of his accomplices rented the truck the bomb was put in from Ryder truck rental. After the bomb exploded he went back to the rental office to claim back his $400 deposit. No really, he did! He was arrested on the spot.
2. The terrorist with the squashiest nose. Lors Doukaev – see below. Caused an accidental explosion in lavatory in Copenhagen while making a bomb. Doh!
3. The Unnoticed Terrorist. The unnamed terrorist who tried to blow up the M Star oil tanker – see below. You go to all the trouble of ramming your speedboat full of explosives into the side of an oil tanker…. And no-one notices… Doh!
4. The Sports Fan. Dedicated convert to Islam, Joel Hinrichs learnt how to make TATP on the internet. Outside a sports stadium in Oklahoma, containing 100,000 fans, he fails to get in, sits alone on the bench outside, and blows his head off when the bomb goes off accidentally. Doh! Nice beard Joel.
5. The terrorist with the Worst Skin Condition. Kafeel Ahmed one of two terrorists tried to blow up night clubs in London, both devices failed. So he and his accomplice drove their Jeep into Glasgow airport. The jeep burned. So did Ahmed. He burnt for quite a while and died painfully some weeks later. That’s about it really.
6. The Times Square non-bomber..(or maybe not). Faizal Shazad, was a poor student. He never really learned how to make a bomb that would detonate. After his failed bomb attack he was arrested on a plane bound for the UAE. He said of his arresting officer “You must be from the FBI”. Well, he got that part right….
7. You were meant to blow the bloody door off.. Nicky Reilly converted to Islam and got religion and terrorism in the same bite. But not common sense. He picked a really famous iconic target for his attack…the lavatories of the Giraffe restaurant in Exeter, UK. The bomb went off and hurt him. Ohh I bet that stung.
8. You are not meant to laugh. Blackburn, Lancashire terrorist cell. These guys were convicted. Their video, here, is pretty funny. Not very scary are they? All they need is big floppy shoes and a flower that squirts water. At least one of them stops grinning and tries to look mean. Funny eh?
9. The Fort Dix Movie stars. A bunch of would be terrorists were planning an attack on Fort Dix. They made a movie of themselves brandishing weapons and shouting “We’re going to commit terror! Wooooh!: And then they took the movie file to Circuit City to get them to burn it onto a CD for them. No, really, stop giggling, they did. The geek squad reported them and they were arrested.
10. Just Plain Dumb. In 1991 two terrorists made a bomb to blow up the Thomas Jefferson cultural center in Manila. Imagine the scene, the bomb is carried into the center in the middle of the night. Because it’s night, its DARK. Because its DARK and because the terrorist, Ahmed J Ahmed (I’m not making this up) doesn’t have flashlight he users his cigarette lighter to illuminate the bomb as he sets its delicate timer. He and his accomplice Saad look nervously at each other. Saad watches the door for the guards. Its TIME to set the TIMER. Ahmed J Ahmed, holds the bomb in one hand and the lighter in the other…..but he has to put the lighter down to use his other hand to set the timer. In the DARK he turns the Timer the wrong way…… BOOOOM! Ahmed J Ahmed dies instantly, and Saad staggers outside, dazed, covered in Ahmed’s entrails, and is later arrested in hospital.
Most terrorists really are idiots. I’ve not met one I liked. Thank God a good proportion of them have a self limiting gene pool. Don’t have any sympathy if they hurt themselves.
Everybody's seen the video of the Iraqi militant with the RPG getting shot in the head, right? (here's the link if not: http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=8c4cfc9028).
The story goes that it was a very slow news day in Iraq, and a news crew had to get some footage for the 10 O’clock bulletin. They found a suitably vain and venal militiaman and offered him an unspecified number of Euros to run into the street, fire an RPG, and then run off… real action footage at no risk to the camera crew… everyone's a winner!
Unbeknownst to the RPG firer there was a US patrol in the area which happened to arrive on the scene at just the wrong time….
My question is this: Do you still get the 72 virgins if you get whacked whilst faking a news story in exchange for cold hard cash? My guess is no.
eresting post.
Another contender that would fit right into this category would have been the attempted Turkish Embassy bombing in Melbourne, 1983 or so. The two fellas were Demerian and Levonian, Armenian freedom fighters I suppose some my have indeed called them.
This wasn’t far off the time of the Russell Street bombing, which was another car-bomb in Melbourne. The twisted wreck of the Commodore is in the small museum off the side of VICPOL HQ. Only a postage stamp sized piece of skin set in an acrylic block remains of the Torana and its operator.
As outlined on an information board in said museum, to the best of my memory, the plan consisted of packing a car full of explosives and parking in the underground carpark directly beneath the embassy, in the wee hours before it opened, and to arm it with a mercury tilt switch. A car that was not meant to be parked in that carpark.
Levonians misfortune struck lwhen he went to arm it, long before any other casualties could turn up for work, as he had parked on a slope..